Gr8at- Father Ted

Father Ted Crilly

With a violent drunken priest, a simple-minded idiot and an eccentric housekeeper as company, Father Ted Crilly had quite the supporting cast. Affectionately able to mock Catholicism, Ireland and small town characters, there may well never be a sitcom like Father Ted. 

Father Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him… he’s not a very nice man, is he?
Father Dougal: God, Ted. I’ve never met anyone like him anywhere… who would he be like – Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Father Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn’t find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o’clock in the morning.

Father Dougal: Who would have thought being hit by lightening would land you in hospital?
Father Ted: What? What are you talking about? Of course it can land you in hospital
Father Dougal: Well it’s not usually serious is it Ted. I mean, I was hit by lightening a few times and I never had to go to hospital.
Father Ted: Yes Dougal, but you’re different from most people. All that happened to you was that balloons kept sticking to you.

Father Dougal: God Ted, I’ve heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord’s going to come back and judge us all.
Father Ted: No… no Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism you’re talking about there.

Mrs. Doyle: There’s always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn’t the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted: No, he didn’t, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs. Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs. Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There’s cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs. Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about? No, what d’you call them. Raisins.

Father Ted: I’m not a fascist, I’m a priest. Fascists go round dressed in black telling people what to do, whereas priests… er… More drink!

Mrs. Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Father Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs. Doyle: You do like pheasant, don’t you Father?
Father Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs. Doyle: Well there’s a little clue. The thing you’ll be eating likes pheasant as well.

Father Ted: The holy stone… It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it’s something to do with that fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it – and he grew a beard!
Father Dougal: Wow. Weird. That’d be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
Father Ted: Ooh, Class 1’d be very rare. That’d be bringing people back to life… time travel… cloning dinosaurs… Very rare.

Father Ted: Dougal, you don’t think I offended those Chinese people?
Father Dougal: I don’t know ted. It’s like that time we did the variety show and you decided to do that impression of Stephen Hawking
Father Ted: Well he’s the last person you’d expect to turn up. That was a million-to-one chance. God, he can fairly move in that wheelchair when he’s angry.

17 thoughts on “Gr8at- Father Ted

    • Such a phenomenal show. I have the whole collection with all the features and everything. My favourite moment is a clip of when Father Ted is on the course about to hole a putt when father Jack mows him down with his car. it summed up the daft stuff that went on in Craggy Island and how ted was never safe haha.

      • My favourite moment has to be the “holiday” where they ended up sharing the tiny caravan with a spazzy Graham Norton. That and the line, “PUT THE CRUNCHIES BACK IN THE CAR”. My friends and I have yelled that at each other on many a night out. In fact, so many Fr. Ted lines have been spewed on nights out, they’re always relevant and well received. 😀

        Phenomenal show indeed.

      • “Down with this sort of thing”, “This is just a crude watercolour of a man in a bishop’s hat” “The sheep here are close, the sheep over there are faaaaaar away”…

        Nice choice. The other one I have to mention is the one where they are scared stiff of the bishop visiting (before they need to kick him up the ass) and they switch the lights off only to find it’s pure daylight, and then they think they’re ok but the failsafe options keep failing. It’s far funnier on screen haha.

      • Hahaha! More great quotes. I have the boxset here, prime for some Christmas watching! Is Fr Ted big over there? I know it was a Channel 4 show but I had no idea that anyone outside of Ireland would get that sort of humour at all!

      • Yes, it’s still shown all the time. IIRC Britain saw it before you did. I can still remember being described the premise while still in high school. It’s about a man’s adventure’s while stuck on a remote island with some crazy priests and a mad housekeeper. Not your average sitcom haha.

    • It really is. I remember when I first heard about the show, very early on, and it seemed such a strange idea. But it really worked. So much comedy. And so many hilarious lines. The visual gags too. When Ted and Jack go for a picnic and Ted is unloading the wine bottles onto the table. Jack finishes the first bottle before Ted even has a chance to load the second one. Despite Jack being in a wheelchair a few metres away. Haha. Or when Ted is about to putt a shot on a local golf course and Jack randomly mows him down.

  1. Pingback: Line(s) of the Day #StPatricksDay | Alex Raphael

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