No one likes going to work in on a Monday. So to get you ready for that, have a Gr8at of funny jokes that are just begging to be read out and hopefully have the same reaction as Calvin and Hobbes…
Joke 1 – Forest Gump in Heaven
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”
Saint Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?”
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” “Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!”
The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but … you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer.”
“How about the next one” says Saint Peter, “how many seconds in a year?”
“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest. “But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, Saint Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest says, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second….”
“Hold it,” interrupts Saint Peter. “I see where you’re going with it.”
“And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
I’ll give you credit for that one too.”
“Let’s go on with the next and final question,” says Saint Peter, “Can you tell me God’s first name?”
Forest says, “Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard.”
“Howard?” asks Saint Peter. “What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?”
Forest answers, “It’s in the prayer.”
“The prayer?” asks Saint Peter, “Which prayer?”
“The Lord’s Prayer,” responds Forest: “Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…”
Joke 2 – Miserly lawyer
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. “Third, that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “…And I don’t give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!”
Joke 3 – Whoops!
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps and says in total panic to the operator: “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
Joke 4 – Leaving it late
Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by a priest. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream ‘Hallelujah’ the way to get him to go is to scream ‘Praise the Lord’.
Jim nodded his head. “Fine with me. Can I take him for a test run?”
Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead. “Stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “Stop!” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “Hallelujah!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.
Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Praise the Lord.”
Joke 5 – All kinds of drive
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed.”
Joke 6 – Not quite Treasure Island
Three guys are on a dessert island. Stuart, Will and Dean. They’ve been there for years, when one day Stuart finds a lamp buried in the sand. He starts to polish it and out pops a genie.
“Oh thank you master,” says the genie. “I will grant you all one wish! Stuart says: “Oh how I’d love to be at Lords sipping a Gin and Tonic, watching the cricket.”
With a big flash and a cloud of smoke he is gone! Will says: “I wish I was at the set of a new Victoria’s Secret shoot!” With that, there is another dramatic exit and he is gone.
Dean looks around and sees they have left. “Wow, I’m going to be pretty lonely. I wish they were back here!”
Joke 7 – The Butler did it!
A rich woman calls her butler to her bedroom. “Jenkins,” she says in a low voice. “Close the door.” The butler does as requested. Take off my blouse.” Jenkins takes off her dress.
“Now take off my boots.” He did so, slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He did.
“Now take off my skirt.” He did.
“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
“Now,” she said, “Take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, “if I catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”
Joke 8 – Mother knows best. (Not quite).
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”