Creative #Punbelievable

Hey everyone. Hope you’ve all had a wonderful weekend. I’ll be putting up details of my second book in my next post, but as a thanks to you who have been so supportive of my writing I wanted to share one of the short stories here. Please enjoy, and feel free to add any comments on the story below.

Punbelievable

Finley Waters: Man, what a day. Thanks for choosing this restaurant Robin. It was very tweet of you to remember it was my birthday.

Robin Foxton: I saw a blog review that said it ofishially has the best seafood section in town. Would have been shellfish not to share it with you.  Especially as we haven’t met up since your business trip to Swimapore.

Finley Waters: It shore looks a good plaice. As I was heading out of the office, my colleague looked envious and said “Let minnow what you order.”

Robin Foxton: It’s been ages since they sat us down. Service cod be a lot better.

Finley Waters: Service bad, food great. That’s what I’ve been herring from everyone. I’ll sea if I can get that waiter’s attention. Done! Eel be right over.

Waiter: (comes over) Welcome to The Eating Among the Fishes restaurant. I’ll be your server today. Sorry for the delay. It sardinely got very busy. Water day! I had to clam a few people down. They were getting a bit crabby. Our reservations system had some problems. Thankfully, it’s going swimmingly now.

Robin Foxton: Let’s have a bottle of your finest house white. Just for the halibut. And no need to debait this. I’m having the lobster paella.

Finley Waters: I don’t need to mullet over either. I’m having the sea bass, fish cakes and tuna salad.

Waiter: Grilliant choices. I’ll be right back. (leaves)

Robin Foxton: I swear, that waiter looks like Salmon Rushdie!

Finley Waters: He really does. I wonder if he gets that when he’s trout and about. I was just wondering whether to perchase one of his books. Funny old world. Any fin is possible.

Robin Foxton: Ah nice, I’ve been reading a bit recently. Catfish 22. If you get the opportunaty you just have to read it. I’d add Metamorfifish, Wuthering Pikes and the Jaws of Perception too.

Waiter: (approaches) Here is your bottle. It’s dolphinately a fine choice (pours both glasses and then leaves).

Finley Waters: So how are things at work? That new guy sounds useless. Like he was lost at sea and completely out of his depth. And how are things with your new gillfriend? Come on, don’t be koi. All I know is that she’s a dog lover.

Robin Foxton: Ah yes, Pawline. Mutt have been fate. It’s not like I’ve been active on the dating scene. I’ve been doggedly after that promotion.

Finley Waters: I know! You’ve been alsationable on that score. I’ve not seen you in weeks.

Robin Foxton: Sorry about that. I guess my inner ambition was unleashed after that work trip. Working those long hours has been ruff. I wasn’t the only one trying to move up. Would have made a dramatic dogumentary. Real dog eat dog stuff. Being hounded all the time. But since meeting her it doesn’t seem to matter. I was probably the underdog anyhow.

Finley Waters: Did you and the mastiff dog lover meet at your vet practice?

Robin Foxton: No, I was on a quick lunch break and literally ran into her at the supermarket. You know me, always dachshund around.

Finley Waters: So, what happened after? Pup and running from the get go?

Robin Foxton: We agreed to go to this fancy Italian restaurant. She was late as she had left her handbag behind and had to go back so she could retriever purse and stuff. Almost made her late for the reservation. I was thinking: “Howl late will she be?”

Finley Waters: People being late. That’s my pet hate.

Robin Foxton: It was worth it, though. She looked so fetching. Real elegant restaurant too. The pianist even played Poochini.

Finley Waters: Fur real? That is classy.

Robin Foxton: It turns out we’ve a really similar sense of humour. She’s a big fan of Eddie Lizzard, Tuna Fey, Jelly Seinfeld Anchovy Chase.

Finley Waters: Well she’s got my seal of approval. What does she do?

Robin Foxton: She’s a freelance fundraiser for various animal charities and animal shelters. She does so much. She even organised a huge event to save some rhinos at no extra charge. And she’s so romantic. She’s got into the rabbit of baking me animal-shaped cookies. As the weather has been so much otter recently, she’s been doing jungle ones.

Waiter: (enters) Here sir, is your lobster bisque. And also, the sea bass, fish cakes and tuna salad. We’ve recently added the collieflower to the dish, so any feedback at the end of the meal would be most welcome. (leaves)

Robin Foxton: It’s only my second time eating lobster. I won’t be wolfing this down! But yeah, things have been going super well. Just remembered. At canine pm, the local store closes and I need to pick up a few things.

Finley Waters: So, pug in the gaps for me. What do you two talk about?

Robin Foxton: She just loves dogs. But she used to have all kinds of pets growing up. Now she has two dogs, Bark Twain and Droolius Caesar. Funnily enough, she also has a cat that shares your birthday.

Finley Waters: You’re kitten me?

Robin Foxton: Yeah, pretty ameowsing really. I’m feline good about this. I think it’s meant tabby with this one. If anything, I’m worried it’s going too purrfectly. But enough about me. I heard there was a bit of a catastrophe on your trip.

Finley Waters: Yeah, we got Cat, our next door neighbour Cat to keep an eye on the house when we were away and water the plants in the house. You know my wife and I went to a tour of Italy for a break. Real romemantic place.

Robin Foxton: I guess once you’re Turin there you forget about life back home.

Finley Waters: Genoally, the best country I’ve ever visited. You have to go. You’re messina out otherwise. Turns out, the neighbour had left the water running. The florence all flooded. Quite a lot ruined. I wanted to give her a pizza my mind. But amid all the comotion you realise it was an honest mistake. Her parents have agreed to cover the repair bill. No point making a fountain out of a molehill.

Robin Foxton: You do live life a lot more Capri spirited than I do. House it going with the recovery?

Finley Waters: You know I believe in karma. If you don’t act kindly now, you’ll pompeii for it later. Yeah, we got all the new stuff fine.

Robin Foxton: That’s wonderful to hear. It will be our six month anniversary tomorrow so I got all this cool stuff booked well in advance, including the biggest bouquet of flowers you’ve ever seen. Didn’t want to leaf it until the last minute.

Finley Waters: Great to see you this happy. You had some tough break ups back in the day. There was Rose, Jasmine, Daisy, Poppy, Violet, Olive, Flora, Iris, Holly, Ivy, Heather and, what was her name again? Oh yeah, Lily. Her mum Hyacinth was always so nice to me. Didn’t Lily go abroad after you broke up?

Robin Foxton: That’s why we broke up actually. She was an environmentalist. I wanted to sweep her off her feet but that relationship was just littered with mistakes. We’ve both moved on now though. She’s dating a farmer. I always knew someone who worked outdoors would a tractor.

Finley Waters: Awesome. Let’s get the bill. Hang on, where’s my wallet. This scampi happening. Oh wait, there it is. Freaks me out when I change pockets.

Waiter: (approaches and takes plate) You enjoyed the dishes? I have to ask. The head chef has been grilling me. I said I’d kelp out by finding out what you thought of the new salad? He’s been fishing for compliments all day.

Finley Waters: I did. Ah yes, your spacific request. Yeah, all great. Nothing to hake at all. If you can bring over the bill as well please. (waiter leaves) Oh before I forget. Did you know I can jump higher than a house? Because houses can’t jump (laughs).

Robin Foxton: (rolls eyes) You and your wordplay. You’d never catch me doing that.

Gr8at: Edinburgh Fringe Jokes

It was the Edinburgh Fringe recently, so in tribute here are a combination of eight one-liners from the competition just gone and the previous nine years. Have you ever been? Do you have a favourite?

“A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.”
Ross Smith (2019)

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
Tim Vine (2010)

“My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he’s a man after my own heart.”
Masai Graham (2016)

“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”
Ken Cheng (2017)

“I’ve decided to sell my hoover – well, it was just collecting dust.”
Tim Vine (2014)

“I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts.”
Ivo Graham (2019)

“Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job, knowing that if you get fired you still have to come in the next day.”
Adam Rowe (2018)

“Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.” 
Richard Stott (2019)

Gr8at: George Carlin

George Carlin

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Just several examples of the outrageously gifted and highly influential comedian George Carlin (1937 – 2008). Happy to tackle any topic within his lifetime, the cynical New Yorker is frequently voted among the best stand ups.

Gr8at: One Liners

As you’ll know from my many references to sitcoms and funny posts like my one liners and story jokes ones, I do love a skilfully executed joke. It’s such a great feeling when something really makes you laugh. Here are the ones that really did it for me recently. Feel free to let me know which made you chuckle the most or check out plenty more here.

Everything Years GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” Abi Roberts

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” Paul F. Taylor

You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’” Andrew Bird

“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” Damien Slash

““I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’”  Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.” Milton Jones

Line(s) of the Day #TheSimpsons

Homer Simpson sweating

Actually Homer, that’s just one. See, each push-up includes both an up part and a down part.

Lenny (Harry Shearer) in the hugely influential and long-running cartoon The Simpsons (1989 – ). You can find more wit relating to the hilarious Homer, here, here and here.(Photo credit: The War of the Simpsons)

Line(s) of the Day #Frasier

Niles and Frasier

Frasier: I was drawn to the theatre because of its discipline and collaborative spirit!
Niles: Oh please, in your sixth grade production of “Oklahoma!” you took so many curtain calls, Mrs. Van Raphorst had to lasso you and pull you from the stage!
Frasier: That woman never understood me or the role of Farmer Number Three!

Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce in the supreme Seattle-based sitcom Frasier (1993 – 2004). I have quoted the multi-award winning show numerous times on my blog, and yet there is always so much more to quote. Make sure to check out my Gr8at post on Frasier and Niles for more examples of their sublime humour.

Line(s) of the day #EdGamble

ed-gamble

Phrases I’ve never heard before. Things that only thin people say. “I think I’ve got some biscuits. I’ll just go and check.” Who’s living their life like that? Who buys biscuits and forgets that they exist?

The hilarious joke as told by comedian Ed Gamble (1986 – ) on comedy show Mock the Week. You can find out more about his other stand up and other projects on his website.

Gr8at: One-liners

I’ve always loved the sharpness and wit you can express within a cleverly-written one liner. So when I saw this recent collection at The Daily Telegraph, I just had to include my eight favourites. Is there one that really cracks you up most?  Which comedians make you laugh most?

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Line(s) of the Day #TwoandaHalfMen

Two and a half Men

Alan Harper: Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that is was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake, and you said, “I understand”.
Charlie Harper: Alan, there’s something you should know about me. When I say “I understand”, it doesn’t mean I agree. It doesn’t mean I understand. It doesn’t even mean I’m listening to you.

Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen with an example of the dynamic that was pivotal to the success of the sibling comedy Two and a Half Men (2003 – 2015). You can find another example of the wit from the show in my previous post here.