Gr8at: Edinburgh Fringe Jokes

It was the Edinburgh Fringe recently, so in tribute here are a combination of eight one-liners from the competition just gone and the previous nine years. Have you ever been? Do you have a favourite?

“A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.”
Ross Smith (2019)

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
Tim Vine (2010)

“My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he’s a man after my own heart.”
Masai Graham (2016)

“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”
Ken Cheng (2017)

“I’ve decided to sell my hoover – well, it was just collecting dust.”
Tim Vine (2014)

“I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts.”
Ivo Graham (2019)

“Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job, knowing that if you get fired you still have to come in the next day.”
Adam Rowe (2018)

“Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.” 
Richard Stott (2019)

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Gr8at: George Carlin

George Carlin

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Just several examples of the outrageously gifted and highly influential comedian George Carlin (1937 – 2008). Happy to tackle any topic within his lifetime, the cynical New Yorker is frequently voted among the best stand ups.

Gr8at: One Liners

As you’ll know from my many references to sitcoms and funny posts like my one liners and story jokes ones, I do love a skilfully executed joke. It’s such a great feeling when something really makes you laugh. Here are the ones that really did it for me recently. Feel free to let me know which made you chuckle the most or check out plenty more here.

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People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” Abi Roberts

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” Paul F. Taylor

You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’” Andrew Bird

“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” Damien Slash

““I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’”  Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.” Milton Jones

Line(s) of the Day #TheSimpsons

Homer Simpson sweating

Actually Homer, that’s just one. See, each push-up includes both an up part and a down part.

Lenny (Harry Shearer) in the hugely influential and long-running cartoon The Simpsons (1989 – ). You can find more wit relating to the hilarious Homer, here, here and here.(Photo credit: The War of the Simpsons)

Line(s) of the Day #Frasier

Niles and Frasier

Frasier: I was drawn to the theatre because of its discipline and collaborative spirit!
Niles: Oh please, in your sixth grade production of “Oklahoma!” you took so many curtain calls, Mrs. Van Raphorst had to lasso you and pull you from the stage!
Frasier: That woman never understood me or the role of Farmer Number Three!

Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce in the supreme Seattle-based sitcom Frasier (1993 – 2004). I have quoted the multi-award winning show numerous times on my blog, and yet there is always so much more to quote. Make sure to check out my Gr8at post on Frasier and Niles for more examples of their sublime humour.

Line(s) of the day #EdGamble

ed-gamble

Phrases I’ve never heard before. Things that only thin people say. “I think I’ve got some biscuits. I’ll just go and check.” Who’s living their life like that? Who buys biscuits and forgets that they exist?

The hilarious joke as told by comedian Ed Gamble (1986 – ) on comedy show Mock the Week. You can find out more about his other stand up and other projects on his website.

Gr8at: One-liners

I’ve always loved the sharpness and wit you can express within a cleverly-written one liner. So when I saw this recent collection at The Daily Telegraph, I just had to include my eight favourites. Is there one that really cracks you up most?  Which comedians make you laugh most?

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Line(s) of the Day #TwoandaHalfMen

Two and a half Men

Alan Harper: Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that is was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake, and you said, “I understand”.
Charlie Harper: Alan, there’s something you should know about me. When I say “I understand”, it doesn’t mean I agree. It doesn’t mean I understand. It doesn’t even mean I’m listening to you.

Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen with an example of the dynamic that was pivotal to the success of the sibling comedy Two and a Half Men (2003 – 2015). You can find another example of the wit from the show in my previous post here.

Gr8at: Funny Animal Cartoons

I’ve always been a big fan of funny cartoons and animals so it’s no surprise that I was going to combine the two in a post at some point. And one was never going to be enough. Below are eight animal-themed cartoons that caught my eye. Do you have any pets? Are you a fan of cartoon strips? As always, please feel free to say if you have a favourite of the eight below.

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