Line(s) of the Day #RandomJoke

I asked my son to pass me the phone book, and he handed me his mobile phone, saying: “Dad, you’re so old!” Anyway, to cut a long story short, spider dead, phone smashed, son distraught.

Just saw this on the internet and it made me laugh so much I had to share it with you all. Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

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Line(s) of the Day #TimVine

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Actually I did once do a parachute jump. Of course they attach you to the instructor, dont they, and you jump out together. I was in this aeroplane they attach me to this bloke and we jumped out. It was really frightening because half way down he said: “So how long have you been an instructor?”

One of the many, many, jokes by comedian Tim Vine. The genial English stand-up has twice won the award for funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe and once held the Guinness World Record for most jokes in one hour.

Line(s) of the Day #ChocolateCake

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So I take a knife
I think I’ll just tidy that up a bit,
cut off the crumbly bits
scoop them all up
and into the mouth

oooooommm mmmm
nice.

Look at the cake again.

That looks a bit funny now,
one side doesn’t match the other
I’ll just even it up a bit, eh?

An excerpt from Chocolate Cake, a much-loved poem by British writer Michael Rosen. You can find it in its complete form here, where anyone who loves chocolate will identify with the child narrator. Barbra Streisand and Lora Brody would surely include themselves.

Gr8at: One Liners

As you’ll know from my many references to sitcoms and funny posts like my one liners and story jokes ones, I do love a skilfully executed joke. It’s such a great feeling when something really makes you laugh. Here are the ones that really did it for me recently. Feel free to let me know which made you chuckle the most or check out plenty more here.

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People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” Abi Roberts

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” Paul F. Taylor

You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’” Andrew Bird

“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” Damien Slash

““I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’”  Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.” Milton Jones

Line(s) of the Day #StPatricksDay

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There are many good reasons for drinking, 
One has just entered my head. 
If a man doesn’t drink when he’s living, 
How in the hell can he drink when he’s dead?

Happy St Patrick’s Day everyone. Ireland is a wonderful country and I hope those who haven’t been get a chance to visit. Celebrating the Emerald Isle, you can find an Ireland film quiz here, a review of the Guiness Storehouse here, a review of Dublin Park and Pheonix Park here and a Gr8at of Kilmainham Gaol here. Not to mention some of the best quotes from Ireland’s finest comedy Father Ted.

Gr8at: One-Liner Jokes

I’ve always liked a good one-liner. There’s a great skill in making you laugh with only a few words. I haven’t quoted any jokes for a bit so thought it was about time I put some up. Which one of these jokes from the web makes you laugh chuckle the most? And if you want even more, why not check out my posts on restaurant jokes, one-liners by comedians and Christmas Cracker Jokes.

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Line(s) of the Day #Frasier

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Frasier: I was drawn to the theatre because of its discipline and collaborative spirit!
Niles: Oh please, in your sixth grade production of “Oklahoma!” you took so many curtain calls, Mrs. Van Raphorst had to lasso you and pull you from the stage!
Frasier: That woman never understood me or the role of Farmer Number Three!

Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce in the supreme Seattle-based sitcom Frasier (1993 – 2004). I have quoted the multi-award winning show numerous times on my blog, and yet there is always so much more to quote. Make sure to check out my Gr8at post on Frasier and Niles for more examples of their sublime humour.

Line(s) of the Day #ThreeMenInABoat

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It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Arguably the most famous lines from Three Men in a Boat (1889), the charming book by Jerome K. Jerome. Filled with amusing and irreverent anecdotes, the story tells of three friends (and the fox terrier Montmorency) who decide to take a trip along the River Thames for a fortnight.

Gr8at: Funny Animal Cartoons by Glasbergen

I’m a huge fan of animals. As well as the wildlife photograph posts such as Wildlife Photographer of the Year and Cute Animal Photos, I’ve highlighted my love of them in cartoons, such as Hilarious Animal Cartoons and Funny Animal Cartoons. While you can expect more animal photography ones soon, here’s a very set of funny animal cartoons, courtesy of the popular Glasbergen.

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