Line(s) of the Day Oxymoron Museum

I just love cartoons, especially when they’re as funny and clever as this one. And if this makes you laugh, I know these dessert island and dog bar cartoons definitely will too.

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Creative #Punbelievable

Hey everyone. Hope you’ve all had a wonderful weekend. I’ll be putting up details of my second book in my next post, but as a thanks to you who have been so supportive of my writing I wanted to share one of the short stories here. Please enjoy, and feel free to add any comments on the story below.

Punbelievable

Finley Waters: Man, what a day. Thanks for choosing this restaurant Robin. It was very tweet of you to remember it was my birthday.

Robin Foxton: I saw a blog review that said it ofishially has the best seafood section in town. Would have been shellfish not to share it with you.  Especially as we haven’t met up since your business trip to Swimapore.

Finley Waters: It shore looks a good plaice. As I was heading out of the office, my colleague looked envious and said “Let minnow what you order.”

Robin Foxton: It’s been ages since they sat us down. Service cod be a lot better.

Finley Waters: Service bad, food great. That’s what I’ve been herring from everyone. I’ll sea if I can get that waiter’s attention. Done! Eel be right over.

Waiter: (comes over) Welcome to The Eating Among the Fishes restaurant. I’ll be your server today. Sorry for the delay. It sardinely got very busy. Water day! I had to clam a few people down. They were getting a bit crabby. Our reservations system had some problems. Thankfully, it’s going swimmingly now.

Robin Foxton: Let’s have a bottle of your finest house white. Just for the halibut. And no need to debait this. I’m having the lobster paella.

Finley Waters: I don’t need to mullet over either. I’m having the sea bass, fish cakes and tuna salad.

Waiter: Grilliant choices. I’ll be right back. (leaves)

Robin Foxton: I swear, that waiter looks like Salmon Rushdie!

Finley Waters: He really does. I wonder if he gets that when he’s trout and about. I was just wondering whether to perchase one of his books. Funny old world. Any fin is possible.

Robin Foxton: Ah nice, I’ve been reading a bit recently. Catfish 22. If you get the opportunaty you just have to read it. I’d add Metamorfifish, Wuthering Pikes and the Jaws of Perception too.

Waiter: (approaches) Here is your bottle. It’s dolphinately a fine choice (pours both glasses and then leaves).

Finley Waters: So how are things at work? That new guy sounds useless. Like he was lost at sea and completely out of his depth. And how are things with your new gillfriend? Come on, don’t be koi. All I know is that she’s a dog lover.

Robin Foxton: Ah yes, Pawline. Mutt have been fate. It’s not like I’ve been active on the dating scene. I’ve been doggedly after that promotion.

Finley Waters: I know! You’ve been alsationable on that score. I’ve not seen you in weeks.

Robin Foxton: Sorry about that. I guess my inner ambition was unleashed after that work trip. Working those long hours has been ruff. I wasn’t the only one trying to move up. Would have made a dramatic dogumentary. Real dog eat dog stuff. Being hounded all the time. But since meeting her it doesn’t seem to matter. I was probably the underdog anyhow.

Finley Waters: Did you and the mastiff dog lover meet at your vet practice?

Robin Foxton: No, I was on a quick lunch break and literally ran into her at the supermarket. You know me, always dachshund around.

Finley Waters: So, what happened after? Pup and running from the get go?

Robin Foxton: We agreed to go to this fancy Italian restaurant. She was late as she had left her handbag behind and had to go back so she could retriever purse and stuff. Almost made her late for the reservation. I was thinking: “Howl late will she be?”

Finley Waters: People being late. That’s my pet hate.

Robin Foxton: It was worth it, though. She looked so fetching. Real elegant restaurant too. The pianist even played Poochini.

Finley Waters: Fur real? That is classy.

Robin Foxton: It turns out we’ve a really similar sense of humour. She’s a big fan of Eddie Lizzard, Tuna Fey, Jelly Seinfeld Anchovy Chase.

Finley Waters: Well she’s got my seal of approval. What does she do?

Robin Foxton: She’s a freelance fundraiser for various animal charities and animal shelters. She does so much. She even organised a huge event to save some rhinos at no extra charge. And she’s so romantic. She’s got into the rabbit of baking me animal-shaped cookies. As the weather has been so much otter recently, she’s been doing jungle ones.

Waiter: (enters) Here sir, is your lobster bisque. And also, the sea bass, fish cakes and tuna salad. We’ve recently added the collieflower to the dish, so any feedback at the end of the meal would be most welcome. (leaves)

Robin Foxton: It’s only my second time eating lobster. I won’t be wolfing this down! But yeah, things have been going super well. Just remembered. At canine pm, the local store closes and I need to pick up a few things.

Finley Waters: So, pug in the gaps for me. What do you two talk about?

Robin Foxton: She just loves dogs. But she used to have all kinds of pets growing up. Now she has two dogs, Bark Twain and Droolius Caesar. Funnily enough, she also has a cat that shares your birthday.

Finley Waters: You’re kitten me?

Robin Foxton: Yeah, pretty ameowsing really. I’m feline good about this. I think it’s meant tabby with this one. If anything, I’m worried it’s going too purrfectly. But enough about me. I heard there was a bit of a catastrophe on your trip.

Finley Waters: Yeah, we got Cat, our next door neighbour Cat to keep an eye on the house when we were away and water the plants in the house. You know my wife and I went to a tour of Italy for a break. Real romemantic place.

Robin Foxton: I guess once you’re Turin there you forget about life back home.

Finley Waters: Genoally, the best country I’ve ever visited. You have to go. You’re messina out otherwise. Turns out, the neighbour had left the water running. The florence all flooded. Quite a lot ruined. I wanted to give her a pizza my mind. But amid all the comotion you realise it was an honest mistake. Her parents have agreed to cover the repair bill. No point making a fountain out of a molehill.

Robin Foxton: You do live life a lot more Capri spirited than I do. House it going with the recovery?

Finley Waters: You know I believe in karma. If you don’t act kindly now, you’ll pompeii for it later. Yeah, we got all the new stuff fine.

Robin Foxton: That’s wonderful to hear. It will be our six month anniversary tomorrow so I got all this cool stuff booked well in advance, including the biggest bouquet of flowers you’ve ever seen. Didn’t want to leaf it until the last minute.

Finley Waters: Great to see you this happy. You had some tough break ups back in the day. There was Rose, Jasmine, Daisy, Poppy, Violet, Olive, Flora, Iris, Holly, Ivy, Heather and, what was her name again? Oh yeah, Lily. Her mum Hyacinth was always so nice to me. Didn’t Lily go abroad after you broke up?

Robin Foxton: That’s why we broke up actually. She was an environmentalist. I wanted to sweep her off her feet but that relationship was just littered with mistakes. We’ve both moved on now though. She’s dating a farmer. I always knew someone who worked outdoors would a tractor.

Finley Waters: Awesome. Let’s get the bill. Hang on, where’s my wallet. This scampi happening. Oh wait, there it is. Freaks me out when I change pockets.

Waiter: (approaches and takes plate) You enjoyed the dishes? I have to ask. The head chef has been grilling me. I said I’d kelp out by finding out what you thought of the new salad? He’s been fishing for compliments all day.

Finley Waters: I did. Ah yes, your spacific request. Yeah, all great. Nothing to hake at all. If you can bring over the bill as well please. (waiter leaves) Oh before I forget. Did you know I can jump higher than a house? Because houses can’t jump (laughs).

Robin Foxton: (rolls eyes) You and your wordplay. You’d never catch me doing that.

Line(s) of the Day: Funny Dog Cartoon

After my dessert-themed cartoon, here’s another, this time capturing that very special bond between owner and dog.

Line(s) of the Day #Funny #Food #Cartoon

Don’t you just love humour like this?

Line(s) of the Day #Miranda

Miranda: Ohh, Advent calendar.
Stevie: Ooh, can I?
Miranda: Together.
Stevie: Oh, where’s the chocolate?
Miranda: Where’s the chocolate? Eaten on the first day of purchase! Who can sit in a room day after day when there are little chocolates behind windows and not remove them, eat them and then replace the windows like nothing ever happened?

Miranda Hart and Sarah Hadland in the British feel-good sitcom Miranda (2009 – 2013). You can find more of the sweet-natured comedy here and here.

Line(s) of the Day #RandomJoke

I asked my son to pass me the phone book, and he handed me his mobile phone, saying: “Dad, you’re so old!” Anyway, to cut a long story short, spider dead, phone smashed, son distraught.

Just saw this on the internet and it made me laugh so much I had to share it with you all. Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

Line(s) of the Day #TimVine

Actually I did once do a parachute jump. Of course they attach you to the instructor, dont they, and you jump out together. I was in this aeroplane they attach me to this bloke and we jumped out. It was really frightening because half way down he said: “So how long have you been an instructor?”

One of the many, many, jokes by comedian Tim Vine. The genial English stand-up has twice won the award for funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe and once held the Guinness World Record for most jokes in one hour.

Line(s) of the Day #ChocolateCake

So I take a knife
I think I’ll just tidy that up a bit,
cut off the crumbly bits
scoop them all up
and into the mouth

oooooommm mmmm
nice.

Look at the cake again.

That looks a bit funny now,
one side doesn’t match the other
I’ll just even it up a bit, eh?

An excerpt from Chocolate Cake, a much-loved poem by British writer Michael Rosen. You can find it in its complete form here, where anyone who loves chocolate will identify with the child narrator. Barbra Streisand and Lora Brody would surely include themselves.

Gr8at: One Liners

As you’ll know from my many references to sitcoms and funny posts like my one liners and story jokes ones, I do love a skilfully executed joke. It’s such a great feeling when something really makes you laugh. Here are the ones that really did it for me recently. Feel free to let me know which made you chuckle the most or check out plenty more here.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” Abi Roberts

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” Paul F. Taylor

You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’” Andrew Bird

“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” Damien Slash

““I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’”  Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.” Milton Jones

Line(s) of the Day #StPatricksDay

There are many good reasons for drinking, 
One has just entered my head. 
If a man doesn’t drink when he’s living, 
How in the hell can he drink when he’s dead?

Happy St Patrick’s Day everyone. Ireland is a wonderful country and I hope those who haven’t been get a chance to visit. Celebrating the Emerald Isle, you can find an Ireland film quiz here, a review of the Guiness Storehouse here, a review of Dublin Park and Pheonix Park here and a Gr8at of Kilmainham Gaol here. Not to mention some of the best quotes from Ireland’s finest comedy Father Ted.