George Costanza | Alex Raphael

Widely acclaimed as the best sitcom of all time and one of my personal favourites, Seinfeld is a phenomenal show that pushed all kind of comedic boundaries. And holding all the madness together was Seinfeld playing a semi-fictionalised version of himself. Below are eight of his finest quotes from the legendary show.

Jerry: All right. How ’bout this one: let’s say you’re abducted by aliens.
George: Fine.
Jerry: They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?
George: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
Jerry: But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!
George: I’m wearing a little hat, I’m jumping through fire… They’re putting their little alien heads in my mouth…
Jerry: At least it’s show business…
George: But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to, uh… you know, get me to mate.
Jerry: What if she’s got no interest in you?
George: Then I’m pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.

Kramer: No, she was completely topless.
George: How good of a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George: Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police…
Jerry: They’d pick her up in about ten minutes.

George: I got a message from the Ross’ at work today.
Jerry: Susan’s parents? When’s the last time you talked with them?
George: At the funeral, give or take…. You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan’s death.
Jerry: Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?… That’s silly.

Jerry: So Miranda’s cooled on you?
George: I’m gettin’ nothin’!
Jerry: Yeah, me neither.
George: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together.
Jerry: Oh, the sex is wild, but she’s got this incredible toy collection and she won’t let me near it!

Jerry: Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in?
Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: You’re kidding!
Kramer: No, no. I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Kramer: I wouldn’t even think about it.
Jerry: I can’t believe I’m hearing this. You’re supposed to be a friend of mine!
Kramer: Well, what kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason!
Kramer: Well, if you’ll kill this person, who’s to say I wouldn’t be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Kramer: I thought I did!

Jerry: It’s amazing! You’re getting a secretary! Last week you were taking messages for your mother…
George: And now someone will be taking messages for ME!
Jerry: …From your mother.

George: So I’m the bad boy. I’ve never been the bad boy before.
Jerry: Why not? You’ve been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend…
George Costanza: Yes, yes, yes…
Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk…
George Costanza: OK, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen…
[George leaves]
Jerry: The bad tipper.

Jerry: Don’t you hate the “to be continued” ‘s on TV? It’s horrible when you sense the “to be continued” coming. You know, you’re watching the show, you’re into the story. You know, there’s like 5 minutes left and you realize “Hey! They can’t make it! Timmy’s still stuck in the cave. There’s no way they wrap this up in 5 minutes!”. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can’t do that, see, I can’t go “a man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms. Can you come back next week?”