Line(s) of the Day #RandomJoke

I asked my son to pass me the phone book, and he handed me his mobile phone, saying: “Dad, you’re so old!” Anyway, to cut a long story short, spider dead, phone smashed, son distraught.

Just saw this on the internet and it made me laugh so much I had to share it with you all. Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

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Line(s) of the Day #EverybodyLovesRaymond

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Frank Barone:  Why the hell did I let you drive?
Marie Barone:  Because you can’t see anymore.
Frank Barone: I can see a house!

Peter Boyle and Doris Roberts in the fondly remembered sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. Though never considered edgy or trendy, the Long Island-set show was hugely popular and won 15 Primetime Emmy Awards from 69 nominations. Though the show finshed 13 years ago, it is still regularly shown. You can find more of Frank’s acerbic wit here

Gr8at: Funniest Oscar Wilde Quotes

Oscar Wilde needs no introduction, of course. The Irish writer was quite simply, one of the funniest people to have ever lived. One of the all-time great wits. Below are eight of my favourites quotes. How many do you recognise? Do you have a favourite?

Oscar Wilde

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Line(s) of the Day #TimVine

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Actually I did once do a parachute jump. Of course they attach you to the instructor, dont they, and you jump out together. I was in this aeroplane they attach me to this bloke and we jumped out. It was really frightening because half way down he said: “So how long have you been an instructor?”

One of the many, many, jokes by comedian Tim Vine. The genial English stand-up has twice won the award for funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe and once held the Guinness World Record for most jokes in one hour.

Gr8at: George Carlin

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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Just several examples of the outrageously gifted and highly influential comedian George Carlin (1937 – 2008). Happy to tackle any topic within his lifetime, the cynical New Yorker is frequently voted among the best stand ups.

Line(s) of the Day #SandraBoynton

Sandra Boynton

Research tells us fourteen out of any 10 individuals like chocolate.

The children’s author and illustrator Sandra Boynton (1953 -), who also includes songwriting and directing among her other talents. If you like chocolate as much as those other 13 people, you’ll want to check out my review of The Chocolate Show, striking chocolate outfits and some very wise words by Charles Schulz.

Gr8at: One Liners

As you’ll know from my many references to sitcoms and funny posts like my one liners and story jokes ones, I do love a skilfully executed joke. It’s such a great feeling when something really makes you laugh. Here are the ones that really did it for me recently. Feel free to let me know which made you chuckle the most or check out plenty more here.

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People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” Abi Roberts

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” Paul F. Taylor

You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’” Andrew Bird

“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” Damien Slash

““I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’”  Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.” Milton Jones

Line(s) of the Day #TwoandaHalfMen

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Waldon Schmidt: How was the movie?
Alan Harper: Fantatic! I went out by myself and came home with a date.
Berta: Well, normally you out with a date and come home by yourself.

Ashton Kutcher, Jon Cryer and Conchata Ferrell in the Malibu-set sitcom Two and a Half Men (2003 – 2015). You can find two more examples of the hit show’s humour here and here.

Line(s) of the Day #ModernFamily

Manny: Help me! Tell me what to say!
Cameron: (into phone) Ok. How about this? You are the prettiest, smartest, funniest girl in the sixth grade. I know you’re only 11 but I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve loved talking to you online. I think we should become boyfriend and girlfriend.
Cameron: (to customers) Oh no, it’ not what you’re thinking. I’m talking to a litte boy. Oh…

Rico Rodriguez and Eric Stonestreet in the multi award-winning ensemble cast comedy Modern Family (2009 – ). You can find other examples of the show’s humour here and here.

Line(s) of the Day #StPatricksDay

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There are many good reasons for drinking, 
One has just entered my head. 
If a man doesn’t drink when he’s living, 
How in the hell can he drink when he’s dead?

Happy St Patrick’s Day everyone. Ireland is a wonderful country and I hope those who haven’t been get a chance to visit. Celebrating the Emerald Isle, you can find an Ireland film quiz here, a review of the Guiness Storehouse here, a review of Dublin Park and Pheonix Park here and a Gr8at of Kilmainham Gaol here. Not to mention some of the best quotes from Ireland’s finest comedy Father Ted.