Gr8at: George Carlin

George Carlin

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Just several examples of the outrageously gifted and highly influential comedian George Carlin (1937 – 2008). Happy to tackle any topic within his lifetime, the cynical New Yorker is frequently voted among the best stand ups.

Gr8at – Groucho Marx

Quite simply, Groucho Marx was a comedy giant, a Hollywood legend who could say a perfectly pitched one-liner as easily as the rest of us breathe. Along with his brothers Chico and Harpo, Groucho set the standards for comics to follow as he audiences in stitches with his hilarious quips. Below are eight of his finest from his many films.

Groucho Marx

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well I have others.

If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Policeman: A hermit eh? So why’s your table set for four?
Groucho: That’s nothing. My alarm is set for eight.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!