As everyone here knows I’m a big fan of a sharp and well executed one-liner. So about time I put up some from one of the best in the business, Milton Jones. The Englishman’s deadpan and amusingly neurotic style has won him countless fans and regular success on the comedy circuit. If you find the wonderfully wacky dresser funny, you should definitely check out another fine exponent of the art, Bob Monkhouse
My dad was a dustman. I didn’t like him coming to collect us from school though. It’s not that I was ashamed he was a dustman, it’s just that you never knew which day he was going to come
People always say “Give blood.” “Give blood.” But it really freaked the kids out at Christmas.
Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the Mafia. Yes, I was involved in very organised crime.
We live in uncaring society. I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds, and after a while I thought to myself, “I wonder how long he’s been dead.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.
Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It’s an absolute mystery as to why though. The plot thickens…
For London Fashion Week, they decided to cover the London Eye in camouflage.
I couldn’t see the attraction.
Alex Raphael 
Dead pan humor suits the cooler tone of Brits. I liked the ones about the camouflaged London eye, the Give blood slogan through a young child’s eyes/thoughts, and the organized crime with Filofaxes. These cracked me up. 🙂
I’m glad you liked them. Nice choices. He’s so funny. He’s on a show I watch called Mock the Week where he’s delivered quite a few of these.
sounds like a British version of Steven Wright 🙂 Great stuff Alex!
happy to introduce you to funny new people. A British Steven Wright is certainly a compliment 🙂
Milton Jones is great. I saw him live in London a couple of years ago 🙂 A great post, with some funny one liners that I hadn’t heard of before. Thanks for bringing a smile!
I’ve been watching some old Mock the Week episodes and he always stands out. I’m curious who else wears his shirts.
Haha yes, his shirts! They are definitely unique 🙂
I wonder if he designs them himself!
That’s true. I bet he does 🙂