Ever since I saw Steven Wright on The Larry Sanders Show, I’ve been a huge fan of his. I’ve even quoted him twice before, with his thoughts on a cafe breakfast and the Indy 500. But that wasn’t enough. So here are eight of his finest quotes. Do you have a favourite?
Half the people you know are below average.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
if you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Alex Raphael 
I half like half of them and the other half I half liked as well.
As long as both lists include the fourth one 😉 That still has me laughing.
Number 4 is a HOOT!
I plan on using it in conversation 🙂
the 5 is very good ! if I had known before…
Very good advice. Hope you are having a nice weekend.
Ha ha. I’ve heard a couple of these quotes before but did not know they were coined by Larry Wright. Great wisdom here! Thanks, Alex.
Long been a fan of his. Another one of his I like is “I like to daydream but my mind tends to wander”.
very good!
Glad you like it 🙂
Love Steven Wright, Alex!
Who else really makes you laugh?
I was just watching Jeff Jefferies, and I think he is brilliant! Thanks for asking, Alex!
I will check him out. I’ve a mixed bag really. Michael MacInytre, Chris Rock, Richard Prior, Jimmy Carr and jerry Seinfeld come to mind first.
Jerry Seinfeld, Louis C.K., Richard Pryor, Kevin Meaney, Eddie Izzard, and lots more, including my old stand-up comedy teacher Ron Lynch. I’ll check out Jimmy Carr and Michael MacIntyre !
Some great inclusions. In simple terms, MacInytre is the sweet one and Carr the sharp one.
By the way, the Australian comedian I was watching is named Jim Jefferies!
I know his work. He’s quoted a lot on Most Offensive Joke compliations. He sure pushes the boundaries 🙂
I’m watching one of his specials right now. He’s amazing!
I’m watching his Alcaholic tour
I’m watching “Fully Functional.”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” Genius.
Death and humour are an awesome combo. It reminds me of that line “I don’t fear death, I just don’t plan on being there when it happens”.
They are all great. If pushed I’d say ‘so far so good’
Excellent choice good sir 🙂
My favourite is ‘If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.’
Very good advice. Can imagine it coming up in a Dilbert comic 🙂
Très drôle Alex! Given my minimalist phase at the moment, I like the second one 🙂
I got into Feng Shui a few months ago. have really noticed a difference.
I’ve never really paid much attention to any comedians. Don’t know why. I was always a big fan of Bill Bailey, though… 🙂
In that case you would love Black Books. There’s an episode called The Entertainer when he plays the piano and it’s a big part of the storyline. probably my favourite episode in fact.
Oh – I did pick that up on DVD, actually! I should dig that out – Think I only watched an episode or two. 🙂
Oh ok. I think you would like it if you saw it more.
Steven Wright is definitely an original. I did a post some time ago on the wisdom of Steven Wright on Bookshelf. Here are some of my favorites:
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
I went to a restaurant that “serves breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Sponges grow in the ocean… I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen.
He really does have some incredible one liners.