Gr8at: Murray Hewitt

Wacky New Zealand comedy Flight of the Conchords featured some wonderfully entertaining and highly eccentric characters. Arguably, the funniest of these was the band’s naively optimistic and musically ignorant manager Murray Hewitt. Here are eight of his finest quotes.

Murray: We need ways to enlarge the fan base
Jemaine: What fan base? You mean Mel? That’s not a fan base, that’s just a woman 
Murray: I’m calling it a fan base from now on. It makes it sound better. If you call and say ‘the fan will be there’ they can tell it’s only one person.

Jemaine: Murray, we need some money.
Murray: Oh, okay. How much? [He fetches a lock box from a drawer] We’ve got four dollars in here.
Jemaine: I thought we had ten dollars?
Murray: This box cost six.

Murray: A lot of New Zealanders come over here and they come into my office. I give them reflective vests, a map, I tell them to stay away from large crowds by going through back-alleys, yet almost every day a New Zealander is mugged!

Murray: When you’re in a band, you don’t get with your bandmate’s girlfriend – past or present.
Jemaine: Yes, well thanks for that.
Murray: You get a love triangle – you know? Fleetwood Mac situation. Well there there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no one gets on.
Jemaine: Okay, I see.
Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
Bret: Rumours.
Murray: No, that’s all true.

Bret: We don’t look like Daft Punk. We wanted costumes that looked like Daft Punk.
Murray: I don’t know who he is.

Jemaine: You booked us a gig as a Simon and Garfunkel tribute act?
Murray [sighs] You’re onto it.
Jemaine: You’re trying to disguise it?
Murray: I tried to disguise it as a gift. Okay? I’ll admit it.
Bret: Murray, we don’t sing other people’s songs.
Murray: Oh, I know, Bret. But here’s the thing. I listened to some of their songs, and they’re actually better than your songs.

Jemaine: Murray, I was thinking perhaps we could do gigs at night.
Murray: No.
Jemaine: Yes. Most bands –
Murray: No.
Jemaine: Most bands play at night.
Murray: Not again. We’ve talked about this.
Jemaine: Most bands play at night.
Murray: It’s too dangerous out there at night.
Jemaine: We go around walking around at night all the time.
Murray: Well, you know, anything could happen. You could get run over, pickpocketed, erm… fall down a manhole, bump into people, murdered… imagine that. Or even just ridiculed.

Murray: Pied Piper was cool.
Jemaine: No he wasn’t, he kidnapped all those children.
Murray: “I mean before that phase, when it was just the rats.